Indefinite story 218

I lost that confidence that I used to have .

I don't know why cant I do my best .
For the first time in my whole dance life , I never felt so unsure of myself before.
I couldn't perform the best out of I can .
People tell me its seems to be on purpose during today's performance but
to me , Yes audience opinions and views are important .
But to judges , its a whole different thing.
They understand dance .

I expect perfection in myself especially in dance.
I feel so demoralized now .
How I wanted to tell myself that I want to perform the best out of the all .
But I cant overcome myself.
Its just me and myself.

It's competition , I want nothing bad to happen at all.
I want 100% perfection .
For whatever performance , I made error in , I cant make in this competition at all.
I dont want myself to regret when the results are released.

When you asked why am I like that , I don't know why , I just felt like crying real hard.
Tears just come out like this , I don't like crying in front of others .
But I couldn't stop it from flowing.
I put all the blame on myself , I just cried and cried.
I know I am a dancer as well as a performer , I cant remember myself as being myself.
Not as Lam Yiling but someone who is in that dance wholeheartedly...

Thanks for those who are concern , I appreciate that .

What if I never chose dance as my dream , what will I be now?
I don't know I don't dare to think at all.
Its my whole heart and soul in it . It's my life basically.
It's hard for others to understand how I felt , when you never been through .
当你还微笑着要我加油...